Gotta Draw 'Em All, 1998
Crayon on paper.
Mikey began drawing Pokémon when he discovered that his artistic ambitions exceeded his parents’ trading card budget. If he couldn’t afford to catch ’em all, he’d just have to draw the little bastards himself.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Kinda), 2001
Pencil on paper.
Mikey was eight when he designed this portrait that seldomly resembled the incomparable Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Everyone close to Mikey knows that if he had to choose between saving them or SMG, he’d choose the woman who raised him (Sorry, Mom).
Sarah Michelle Gellar (Sorta), 2001
Pencil on paper.
The last SMG drawing to survive the junkyard massacre perpetrated by Mikey’s absent-minded parents during the sale of his childhood home in 2012. May the countless works of art lost that fateful day forever live on in our hearts. Gone but never forgotten. Their sacrifice has not been in vain.
Thor, 2004
Pencil on paper.
Thor, at just one year old. Mikey’s sweet buddy boy. There SHOULD be a multitude of portraits documenting Thor’s life, but sadly, most exist only in Mikey’s memory, having perished in the Great Childhood Home Purge. The move cost Mikey much of his childhood artwork and, arguably, whatever remained of his sanity.
Scooby-Doo, 2004
Sharpie marker on paper.
There SHOULD be a multitude of Scooby-Doo pieces, given that Mikey’s obsession with Sarah Michelle Gellar was so profound that when she was cast as Daphne, he damn near ascended to heaven. Had he known his happiness would peak in 2002, he might’ve made some different life choices. Alas, what remains is but a meager collection of evidence that Mikey once lived, breathed, and wept for Scooby-Doo (Still doo!).
Foot In Mouth Since Birth, 1993
Yup. Foot in mouth. Foreshadowing a lifetime of being loud, opinionated, and high-pitched. The world was warned from day one, it's not Mikey's fault nobody bothered to listen. Probably cause they couldn't hear over the screaming?
Poster Child for Abortion, 1994
"He was the 'Poster Child for Abortion'" - Douglas Goodwin (Mikey's Father).
The screaming, the sleepless nights, the sheer unrelenting audacity of a baby who paid no bills. Had he been born with the motor skills to match his mouth, his mother might never have survived maternity leave. Some babies are born miracles. Mikey was definitely born as a cautionary tale.
Little Pitch Big Talent, 1997
Mikey made the newspaper in preschool for drawing Pokémon, marking his first brush with fame. The accompanying photograph captures a child absolutely thrilled by his newfound recognition. His face suggests he’d rather be literally anywhere else, but even at four years old, Mikey had mastered the art of looking inconvenienced by his own celebrity. The attitude came free. The autograph cost extra.
Hand Me Downers, 1999
Mikey photographed wearing yet another hand-me-down originally selected for his older brother. Personal style hadn’t entered the chat just yet, but the opinions were already loading. He may not have known what looked good, but that certainly wasn’t going to stop him from telling everyone else what didn’t. A fashion critic in the making, dressed by committee.
Baby Held Back, 2002
Mikey, pictured here at the start of his first round of third grade, blissfully unaware he’d be doing a second lap. The boys called him “Michelle” over his voice, but little did they know Michelle had a smarter mouth far more advanced than the grade he was about to repeat. Unfortunately, his comebacks earned him frequent visits to the principal's office. The school’s solution? Hold Mikey back for immaturity while the boys calling him “he/she” advanced to the next grade. Apparently, the bullying met academic standards; the comeback was what needed remedial work. That's Jamestown, folks!
Heaven 2, 2004
Proof that Mikey’s devotion to Sarah Michelle Gellar and Scooby-Doo knew no bounds: he dragged his parents to see Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed in theaters 12 times. Twelve. His parents deserved hazard pay, and Warner Bros. should’ve put them in the credits. Mikey considered it the Empire Strikes Back of cinema, because apparently, no amount of sequels, therapy, or parental intervention could compete with his love for a woman that was so good at beating the crap out of men twice her size in cinema. A classic.